Your Questions Answered
Breastfeeding does hurt, declining birthday party invites, and how to manage the existential work inbox dread
I’m writing this while listening to my 3 week old newborn grunt and squirm in her crib. She has a clean diaper, has recently been fed, and is sound asleep - yet she still makes enough noise to rival a lion chuffing at the zoo. Why are babies like this???
As a recovering productivity-obsessed millennial, I’ve spent this week spiraling about “why am I not further along my recovery journey” and “I’m feeling good enough to *insert thing I absolutely have no business doing*” just to end up begging my husband to take the day off of work and take care of me because I still need help.
We have officially hit 3 weeks post-C-section, and I thought I’d be up and taking walks around the block by now (thanks FYP for showing me that some people can do this at a week post-C-section). But alas, I am not one of those people who bounces back so quickly after a major surgery.
Also this week, I have weaned off of the meds. Last week, I stopped the oxy after having the fight of my life with a postpartum poop. This week, I weaned off of the aspirin and Tylenol only to be reminded that breastfeeding does actually hurt. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, and also I’m not an IBCLC expert, just a QWERTY warrior, so don’t listen to me.
But this is my 4th breastfeeding experience, and every time I go into this with the confidence of a chimp in the wild thinking that breastfeeding is natural, pain free and baby and I will just know what to do. WRONG.
I don’t know about you, but the 40 minute 8-10x per day sandpaper tug on my sensitive nipples by a newborn who literally couldn’t find my nipple if it hit her in the face is not my idea of a “pain free” experience.
Early breastfeeding sessions are 2-handed jobs. I should really say 3-handed. One hand to “sandwich” the boob (so baby can take a big ‘ol bite), one hand to shove the back of baby’s head toward the boob, and a third hand to hold the baby’s damn hands out of the way. IYKYK.
And yes, breastfeeding hurts. And yes, pumping hurts. And yes, we were both crying last night at 1am. And yes, this too shall pass.
Right now, we are in the initial latch hurts (when I take deep breaths and contemplate every life choice I’ve ever made) phase and then we get into a good rhythm after letdown. The initial letdown is another pain surge for me.
But every single lactation consultant I’ve ever seen says “well her latch looks great, it shouldn’t hurt.” So I know the latch is good, I know the baby is gaining weight and transferring milk, and I know that my nipples will decide in a week or two that this every 2-3 hour chomping and rubbing sequence is tolerable. So if you’ve been to see all the experts and you know your baby is gaining weight, and their latch looks good, and you are still in pain… just know that you are in good company, and that it will get better. I don’t know anyone who’s nipples survive the first few weeks of postpartum without pain.
okay - rant over. I just needed to get that off my chest. If you feel the need to tell me that it shouldn’t hurt and that I’m doing something wrong, please just keep it to yourself. I’ve spent all the $$ on things to make it better this week, and I’m not seeking advice at this time <3
I received a few questions on Instagram this week that deserved a longer response than what one story slide could offer. So here they are:
Birthday party invitations
“How do you deal with birthday party invitations for the kids? My daughter just received 2, and we don’t want to send her, we are exhausted of so many activities and school things to do. But in the same time I want to say yes, so she can have fun. But saying yes is so much work for me, and I really need a break.”
I feel this question to my core.
As my kids have gotten older, they have become very verbal about their desires to attend everyone’s birthday party ever. They will straight up lobby other kids for invitations to their birthday party.
I get it. Birthday parties are fun for kids. Who doesn’t love to go to a fun place with other kids (a place your parents likely won’t take you on a random day), eat cake, and get a goody bag? ME. I DON’T LOVE IT.
But seriously, the kids want to go to every party, and I want to go to very few. And if you get a couple birthday party invites per month, it can feel so exhausting to constantly be faced with the “do we go or not go” decision.
Rather than decide individually about every single birthday party invite, my husband and I sat down and made a one-time decision on what kind of birthday party invites we would make an effort to attend this year.
For us, we drew the line at birthday invites from family and close friends. We only accept invites from the kids (and our) closest friends and from family members.
Last week my son received an invite to a kids birthday party who he has never even mentioned in a conversation. This is the kind of party invite that we (graciously) decline.
We just don’t have the capacity or interest in going to 20+ birthday parties per year. I have three kids who are in classes with 16-20 other kids, so you can imagine how many birthday party invites we get.
We read The Family Firm* by Emily Oster a few years ago, and I revisit it annually to update our family plan. One of the suggestions in the book is to decide these rules or principles in advance of a specific birthday party event. When you do this proactively, it becomes easier to say no to a birthday party that doesn’t meet the pre-determined rule.
Yes, it is hard to tell your kids no, but it’s better to know your own limits and make consistent decisions.
This same methodology applies to kids activities and sports - we decided that we would only do 1 sport per season for our big two kids. After watching our 3rd kid cry and whine over having to do a sport last season, we decided that she just isn’t ready and won’t be doing any activities in the fall. We also decided that we want our kids to be exposed to a musical instrument (their choice which one) and that everyone must know how to swim. These are our principles as a family, and therefore we aren’t tempted to sign up for another activity that goes above these rules.
Your mileage may vary, but I highly recommend making a decision in advance of the specific birthday party invite or sports/activity signup window so that you feel less immediate pressure and instead make the best overall decision for you and your family.
Managing Work Email Anxiety
“Do you have any tips on how to deal with email work anxiety. How to get over it? How to just handle it? Sometimes I hate opening my mailbox for fear of what’s in there for work.”
This question hit home for me. I have had phases where I dreaded opening my work inbox. The anxiety would build up, and almost 10 times out of 10 the anxiety would be worse than just dealing with the emails.
I do have a few tips for those who deal with work email inbox anxiety.
Don’t look at it first thing in the morning
You may be tempted to “eat the frog” or “get it over with” but honestly you aren’t doing yourself any favors. Give yourself time to enjoy your morning. Wake up. Have a cup of coffee. Get the kids off to school.
Do something that builds momentum before opening your inbox.
You’ll have to decide what gives you momentum. In different phases of my life that has been a workout, a walk around the block, journaling for 10 minutes, chatting with a friend on MarcoPolo app, or accomplishing a quick and easy work task that doesn’t live in my inbox.
The goal here is to set yourself on a positive momentum path before you dive into your inbox. This will help you set aside the dread you feel and instead associate a different feeling with the opening of your inbox.
Once you do decide to open the inbox, set a time limit.
Tell yourself that you’ll spend 15 minutes going through your inbox. You’ll read, file, send a few quick responses, and decide if you need to reorganize your day to deal with an email.
The goal is not to do all the things, but instead to identify how your day needs to change as a result of your inbox. The goal is to make a plan for the day.
Once you reach your time limit. Walk away. Don’t get sucked into hours right now.
After you do your timed inbox review, reward yourself!
This completes the habit loop. You want to associate a positive reward with completing your initial inbox scan.
Go make yourself a coffee or take a walk. Do something that gives you a smile.
Try those steps and see if you don’t change the way that you view your work inbox. It’s a blend of habit stacking and positive rewards for doing an undesirable thing.
I would love to hear from you, what questions should I answer next time?
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